i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
you had me at cake vodka
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
