i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
