So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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