It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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