Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
