i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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