just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
