So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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