Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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