This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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