zippers are such a cool invention
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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