It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
