loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
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