So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
