you turned your livingroom into a bong?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
