Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
