So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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