I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
