i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
