we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
