I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
