So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
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