My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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