I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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