My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
