when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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