Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
