So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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