Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
