dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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