If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
