They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
