Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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