This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
