I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
