so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
