I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
