Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
