We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
