Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
