Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
