I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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