Got a toothbrush?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
