The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I could fuck to npr.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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