I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
