Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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