the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
