Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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