He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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