i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
